The Burglar
by AkuBeku
Summary: Dirk and Roxy both have mighty hungers, but there's a burglar in the house!


**Yeah, this is an 'I hurt your feelings and I'm sorry, please still be my best friend' kinda fanfic dedicated to ****VenJess****.**

**ily 5eva gurl**

**Homestuck doesn't belong to me**

* * *

Your name is ROXY LALONDE and you have never been so hungry in your life. You've tried everything to rid yourself of this might famish without waking up your boyfriend, Dirk Strider, including sleeping, playing with the cat, playing on your phone and pestering Jane about how cute Dirk looks when he's sleeping next to you. You've even considered resorting to killing the cat and eating it right here, but he'd make too much of a fuss, he'd surely wake Dirk. The only option left is to risk going to the fridge to feed yourself, but getting in and out of bed might move Strider around.

You decide to at least give it a shot, and you gently roll yourself to the very edge of your bed, then lift yourself up with the slowest movements you've ever made, your eyes fixed hard on Dirk the entire time, in hopes to keep him asleep. Finally, your knees make contact with the ground, and you release the pressure your hands are making on the mattress gently. You move the blanket towards Dirk, leaving yourself some space for when you return, and head off into the kitchen, endeavouring for the largest of midnight snacks you're capable of creating.

* * *

Your name is DIRK STRIDER and boy, you would kill for some PopTarts right now. You look towards the bedroom door and wonder briefly if getting up would lead to you not coming back to bed, as standing is good enough inspiration as any to start working on minor repairs for your bots, or cleaning up the house.

You figure you'll probably be able to convince yourself to come back to bed, so you get up, not bothering to check if your girlfriend has woken up from the turbulence, as you know that Roxy is capable of sleeping like a log. It's not until you're halfway out the door that you realise there are noises coming from the kitchen. You immediately close your bedroom door, before flash-stepping to the door of the bathroom and opening it ever-so-slightly.

An open door would attract a burglar more, if one were to somehow get past you, and you wouldn't want them walking in on Roxy while she's defenceless. You pull your sword down from the wall with an embarrassingly loud 'SHINK'. Your gut wrenches as you practically hear your bro tornadoing in his grave. You hope the burglar didn't hear that fucking symphony of sword drawing.

* * *

You hear some symphony of sword drawing coming from upstairs and halt immediately. How did you not notice someone else in the house when you left the bedroom? You close the refrigerator door as quietly as you can, and then move behind the couch. You hope they don't go near your bedroom. You'd hate to have a bloodstain on the floor after they wake Dirk up.

You notice your mother's wands sitting on a nearby table and you pick them up, hoping that you'll be able to find out how they work within the next two minutes, or else you'll be bringing fists to a swordfight. Slow, gentle footsteps make their way down the staircase, before moving across the landing. You grip your mother's wands tight before springing into action, a battle cry ready in your throat.

* * *

You hear a cry come from behind you and you move your sword to strike, realizing only too late that you know the voice. You correct your swing just in time, making the blade fall just a few centimetres short of Roxy, before falling out of your hands completely. You take a moment in the frozen silence held between the two of you to scan your girlfriend for any injuries, briefly taking in her ridiculous face, and the fact that she's holding her mother's wands backwards. Once you've confirmed that neither you, nor the burglar that you now know doesn't exist have harmed her, you stride forwards to hug Roxy, laughing gently into her hair.

She stands on her toes so that she can rest her head on your shoulder as she chuckles right back at you.

"I thought you were a burglar, oh my god." She whispers, "If you were, you know you'd be dead as heckie."

"Roxy," You reply, sighing gently, "You know you were holding those wands backwards, right?"

"Yeah, well you were making loud sword noises, what's up with that?"

"I was scared!"

"Yeaaaah, you thought I was a burglar, too. Ssssssuck it, Strider!"

You lift up Roxy with one easy movement, carrying her in a hug all the way to the fridge, "You may not be a burglar Rolal, but you stole my heart."

Roxy drops from your hands, sighing in disappointment as you realise you've done it again.

You couldn't help yourself. The puns overtook you. You watch helplessly as your girlfriend takes all of the PopTarts into your bedroom, before the 'click' of the lock confirms that she's not letting you in.

You sink into a seat on the couch and sigh at yourself. Great job, Strider. Great job.

* * *

**Thank you for reading!**


End file.
